The Power and Possibility of Respectful Disagreement
If you’ve ever avoided a tough conversation because you were afraid it would turn into a blowout—or because you assumed the other person just wouldn’t understand—you’re not alone. Most people don’t feel equipped to have hard conversations, especially when values, beliefs, or identities are at play. But imagine if disagreement wasn’t a threat, but an opportunity. An opportunity to grow, to connect, and to discover what lies beyond your own viewpoint.
That’s the transformative vision offered by Justin Jones-Fosu, author of I Respectfully Disagree: How to Have Difficult Conversations in a Divided World, and founder of Work Meaningful. His message is clear: “We can vehemently disagree with someone’s ideology and still passionately pursue their humanity.” That pursuit of humanity—especially in the heat of disagreement—is the heart of his work, and it begins with a conscious choice.
Respect Is a Choice—Not a Reaction
One of the most important mindset shifts for leaders and teams is recognizing that respectful disagreement is always a choice. It’s not always the easiest choice, especially when emotions are high, but it’s a choice nonetheless.
Too often, people treat respect like a reward that others must earn. But Justin challenges this thinking head-on: “Everyone should be given value, dignity, and respect. Period. It comes from our choice.” In his framework, respect isn’t conditional. It’s foundational. It stems not from someone’s title or accomplishments, but from their humanity.
This simple truth has ripple effects. When we decide to consistently lead with respect, we begin to approach disagreement differently. We listen more deeply. We stop trying to “win” and instead aim to understand. That’s when trust begins to grow—even in the most polarized spaces.
From Confrontation to Conversation
Justin’s own story is a powerful example of what respectful disagreement can unlock. In 2019, he traveled to Ghana intending to confront his father—a man who had been largely absent from his life. But thanks to encouragement from his therapist and a trusted leadership group, he shifted his goal: instead of confrontation, he chose to listen. To become a student of his father’s story.
“I still shared my truth in love,” he says, “but it led me to forgive him.” That experience not only changed their relationship—it reconnected him with parts of his heritage he had distanced himself from for years. “You have no idea what’s on the other side of respectful disagreement,” he reflects. “As I didn’t either.”
This story illustrates a broader truth: when we choose to listen first and seek understanding—even when it’s difficult—we don’t just avoid conflict. We create transformation.
Five Pillars for Bridging the Divide
So how do we put this mindset into practice, especially in workplaces where opinions vary, stakes are high, and time is short?
Justin offers a practical framework: five pillars of respectful disagreement. These aren’t theoretical ideals—they’re deeply researched, field-tested habits that help people engage across differences with empathy, confidence, and care.
1. Challenge Your Perspective
Before you find yourself in a disagreement, start building the muscle of understanding different viewpoints. This pillar is about proactive learning—intentionally seeking out stories, experiences, and people that challenge your assumptions.
He suggests replacing the passive “open-door policy” with an “out-the-door policy”: get out of your office, connect with people who think differently, and ask good questions. Not sure where to start? Try his “Circles of Grace” challenge—every 6–12 months, engage in an event, conversation, or community that you know little about or may disagree with. Ask yourself: What did I learn about them? And what did I learn about myself?
2. Be the Student
Too often, we listen just long enough to respond. But what if, instead of jumping in with your own perspective, you simply stayed curious?
“Most people are double Dutch communicators,” Justin says, referencing the jump rope style where you’re just waiting for your moment to jump in. Instead, he encourages the “Power of Three”: stay in a conversation for at least three layers before redirecting the focus back to yourself. For example:
- “How’s your day?”
- “What made it good?”
- “What was the highlight of that experience?”
This intentional listening helps people feel valued and heard—and it creates the psychological safety that makes disagreement productive, not personal.
3. Cultivate Your Curiosity
Judgment is easy. Curiosity is hard. This pillar invites us to recognize when we’re jumping to conclusions and replace those moments with questions.
Instead of assuming you know what someone meant—or labeling them based on a belief—ask: What else might be true here? What’s behind their perspective?
This doesn’t mean you need to agree. It means you stay open to discovering more than your first reaction allows.
4. Seek the Gray
Life isn’t black and white. Most disagreements aren’t either. Justin encourages us to reject binary thinking and instead search for common ground—not “middle ground” (which assumes a 50/50 compromise), but shared humanity.
“We’re not trying to convince each other of A or B,” he explains. “We’re trying to find C—something we can co-create together.” He likens it to a drum circle: each person’s beat is unique, and only when everyone contributes do you get a rhythm that’s beautifully whole.
5. Agree to Respect
You’ve probably heard the phrase “Let’s agree to disagree.” But Justin offers something deeper: “Let’s agree to respect.”
This pillar asks us to formalize our commitment to each other’s humanity, even in moments of tension. One practical way to do that is through a phrase he shares from Stanford professor Sean Zao: “Thank you, because…” It’s a powerful tool to show appreciation without needing to agree.
For example:
- “Thank you, because you didn’t have to share that perspective with me.”
- “Thank you, because I learned something new—even if I need more time to process it.”
- “Thank you, because that took courage to say.”
When we fully acknowledge each other in this way, we reinforce dignity and deepen connection.
Doing the Heart Work
None of this is a quick fix. Respectful disagreement is a skill—and like any skill, it takes practice, reflection, and sometimes, unlearning. Justin reminds us that we all come from different models of conflict. Some of us saw disagreements swept behind closed doors. Others learned to avoid rocking the boat. Those patterns shape how we show up—and if we want to lead differently, we must do the inner work.
That includes therapy, coaching, or intentional reflection. “I don’t go to therapy because something’s wrong,” he says. “I go to keep things going right.”
It also means asking ourselves tough questions:
- How did I see disagreement modeled growing up?
- What have I been taught about respect?
- What do I need to unlearn?
At the core, this isn’t just about being a better professional. It’s about being a better human.
Final Word: Make It Meaningful
Justin’s company is called Work Meaningful for a reason. Because respect, understanding, and connection aren’t check-the-box tasks—they’re the building blocks of purpose-driven workplaces.
If you want to create a culture where people feel safe to speak up, where disagreement doesn’t fracture teams but fuels innovation, where everyone feels seen, heard, and valued, then start with these five pillars. Let them guide how you listen. How you lead. How you show up.
And remember: disagreement isn’t the end of connection. It can be the beginning—if you choose respect.
Listen to the Episode: Gut + Science 287: Respectful Disagreements with Justin Jones-Fosu
Key Takeaways:
-
- Respectful Disagreement is a Choice: Respect stems from valuing humanity, not agreement.
- The Five Pillars of Bridging the Divide:
- Challenge your perspective.
- Be the student: focus on listening and learning.
- Cultivate curiosity.
- Seek the gray to find common ground.
- Agree to respect instead of agreeing to disagree.
- Make Respect a Habit: Incorporate principles like the “out the door” policy and Circles of Grace Challenge to build empathy and connection.
- Practice the Power of Three: Dive deeper into conversations by actively listening to at least the third level.
Things to listen for:
[00:06:47] The mindset shift: Respectful disagreement is always a choice
[00:08:27] The “Circles of Grace Challenge” for building empathy and curiosity
[00:27:54] The “Power of Three” listening technique
[00:20:58] The five pillars of respectful disagreement: Challenge your perspective, Be the student, Cultivate your curiosity, Seek the gray, Agree to respect
[00:14:56] The difference between respect and honor: You don’t have to like the person or what they represent. You can still choose to respect them because they’re a human being.
[00:34:14] 9. The “Thank you because…” tool for full acknowledgment to show appreciation in disagreement without implying agreement.
[00:37:45] The difference between middle ground and common ground (“finding C”)